lost that innocence.

At times, I think I can really see and feel things from your perspective.

There are times when I got all so weak and want to fall back badly but I turn back and saw no one that I can rely on and it makes me upset because the pillar isn't there anymore. I know that if I continue walking on, there will be pillars around but I just don't want to fall on just any pillar.

Everyone is telling me the same phrase and I know that phrase too but when? It's just a matter of time, I know but when will it happen. They all say "time will heal", I just nod and say nothing. They don't understand.

Sometimes, I feel guilty for having thoughts that are in denial of my heart. I thought that maybe it's alright this way, it's not really that bad as how I thought it was... and I regret the next moment. Cause it's not okay, it's not alright but there is absolutely nothing I can do to change or try changing.

It just will not be the same anymore.
I take it as I am on my way to independence but I hate how it change me and my reactions to many things... and how I am wary of things I never did. I lift my guards up.

But I know a fact well enough, got it memorized and keep reminding myself of that.
So much so that I cannot and I will not do anything. I remember the words that hurts, I want to remind myself of them so badly so that I will not carry anything other than those words that stabbed. I will stay stagnant.

There are just so much reminders that at times, I admire how you can ignore them and not let them affect you while I couldn't.

Have you ever feel so helpless that you cannot do anything and then tears just roll down?
Have you ever find yourself doing some things that you never thought you will?
Have you ever think back and then smile? Or they don't have the ability to make you smile..
Do you... at times?
no no no no.

I tried restricting myself to do certain... actions but I can't help but look at them occasionally... and replay that disc at times, keep replaying that 11 seconds...

I look back and I smiled at what I had but I cannot really move a step forward.
I don't want to leave all these behind, I don't want to forget.
It's been... quite some time and I cannot judge if time did heal anything and if it did, how much did it heal but one thing for sure is that, time will make you forget me gradually and I don't want to think about it.

Every time I forbid myself, control myself for a period of time, I will burst eventually to an extent. How many times must it repeat before it will end. I am not that strong after all. I wanted to give you my best but I failed, sorry.